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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27591032">fear extracts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannahmayski/pseuds/Hannahmayski'>Hannahmayski</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Sam Winchester's Friends at Stanford, Stanford Era (Supernatural), Stanford Student Sam Winchester, how hard it would have been to adjust, i can't even begin to imagine the guts it took to leave, sam u deserve better</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:29:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,227</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27591032</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannahmayski/pseuds/Hannahmayski</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam arrives at Stanford with eight things.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dean Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester, John Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester, Real Tyson Brady &amp; Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>147</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>re-reading time!! :)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>fear extracts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Fell asleep while writing this so i'm sorry for any errors</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sam arrives at Stanford with eight things.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One; a duffle bag older than he is. One of the handles needs stitching back together, but he didn't get around to doing it before John kicked him out and grabbing sewing equipment wasn't exactly top priority after the fight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's a name stitched into the inside just under the zip along the worn brown material. Sam can make out the name </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fletcher, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but the rest of the name aside from and </span>
  <em>
    <span>r </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>e </span>
  </em>
  <span>are too worn to make out. It had been Dean's before it had been Sam's, and apparently it had been someone names Fletcher before that still. It's worn and falling apart and he needs a new one but letting it go feels like letting </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dean </span>
  </em>
  <span>go. (He throws it away 9 months into his time at Stanford and pretends not to feel to fucked up about it).</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two; a backpack. He bought it from a thrift shop a year ago for a couple of bucks more than it was worth, but his old one broke and Sam needed something for school and if he went to a department store, he'd have to fork out 20 dollars or more and he didn't have that cash on hand and Dean and John would never give him money for </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It smells like old soy sauce and there's a red stain that Sam is pretty sure is blood on the side of it, but he isn't sure if it's his or Dean's.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Three; A wad of cash. It's all the money he could possibly save up without John or Dean finding out it. He'd hidden it in different places - a small amount in his pencil case, some in the spine of one of his school textbook, some more in the bottom of his backpack underneath the false bottom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t think that John or Dean would go through his backpack or duffle. He hopes. He didn't think they'd do it unless they thought Sam was planning something which was  the problem - </span>
  <em>
    <span>he was. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sam had just enough nerves that they'd figure it out before Sam was ready to tell them, or find the money and blow it on booze and women and ammo that he'd he stashed them in places he knew they wouldn't bother touching.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's not much and certainly not enough, but it's going to have to last him. He'll make it last. He has to.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Four; bruises. He has a black eye, a split lip, and a bruise that trail from his hairline to just past his cheekbone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The black eye looks worse than it is, courtesy of John and several well-aimed punches. Nothing is broken aside from skin, but the bruising looks brutal, like he got hit by a truck three times over. His left eye is swollen and puffy and red but thankfully, it's not swollen shut. Small mercies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He picks up on the way people look at him - a double glance like Sam is some alien. Some people look scared - he's well over six foot and his face looks like he got into a fist fight with the incredible Hulk. Some people look impressed, like it's </span>
  <em>
    <span>cool </span>
  </em>
  <span>that Sam has had the shit beaten out of him. Sam doesn't think those kids would know how to throw a punch if you paid them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The split lip is from Dean. It hurts more than the three times John cold clocked him and has nothing to do with the blood that's stained the shirt under his jacket from how much his lip bled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew Dean would be upset, and Sam hadn't warned him either. Still.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He likes to think that in some alternate universe where they’re not raised to hunt monsters and his dad doesn't act like state of the world doesn’t rest on him getting revenge and he remembers Sam exits beyond a reason to scream at him that Dean and him would go to college. Dean would probably end up being a mechanic, and they would catch up every Friday for dinner and spend the holidays together when college is out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In this reality, Sam doesn't want to spend his life feeling terrified, and no one seems to listen to him to even try to understand why. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Five; A bible. It's Pastor Jim's. Old and worn and some pages are missing and Jim scribbled all five of the phone numbers he has in the cover and handed it over to him like it could actually keep alive long enough to make it. He's read it cover to cover, in English and Latin, and he's highlighted his favourite passages with a dying pink highlighter he borrowed from a boy Sam can't remember the name off when he was in senior year.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has all of Pastor Jim's phone numbers memorised, but he doesn’t think he'll ever get up the courage to call him.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Six; Knives. He wants to leave it behind more than he wants to breathe fresh air, wants nothing to do with the monsters or the spirits, or the graveyards in the middle of the night. He wants to be fucking normal. He wants to wake up in the morning, and not feel 30 years older than he is, like he's waiting for his time to be up. He wants to live his life and feel like he's going to make it to 21. But he can't leave it all behind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shoves the knives under his bed, where he can't see them, and pretends that he doesn't think about them.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The boy can leave the hunt, but the hunt never leaves the boy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, John's words drift through his mind and he settles with the knowledge that John doesn't have to be dead to haunt him. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seven; Photographs. He stole a couple from John's journal when the man was too wasted to know it, even if Sam's not sure why. John and Mary stare back at him, it's in the middle of the day, the sun beats down on their skin and their smiles look almost inhuman. He's never seen John smile like that before, that he looks fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy. </span>
  </em>
  <span>These two people are his parents, but Sam doesn’t think he knows either of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's a photo of him and Dean, tucked tightly in his wallet, jammed in the clear pocket so tightly it has to crumple to fit. They're at Bobby's, young and smiling and he can remember that moment, when everything, for just a moment, felt like it might be okay.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eight; Scars. He can't leave everything behind and Sam can fake it er all he wants, but his skin keeps a record, like a words are written across his skin, but only he can read the writing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brady asks questions when they first meet, about the litany of scars when he sees Sam without a shirt for the first time, and Sam reels of pre-created lies that thinks fits them well enough to pass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His RA catches sight of the scaring second week of college that stretches from behind his ear to just past his collar bones, and then on his hands - calloused and old and a litany of scars from years of hunting and training and carefully asks him if he's okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He answers </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and hopes soon he’ll be able to mean it. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Pain.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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